When I think about unveiling my heart, laying it bare on the table of the internet, I become somewhat frozen. There are things in my heart, deep dark recesses that are hard to get to or places I seldom want to go. I hate to admit that I wonder what people will think of me. Will they still love the Sheila they know? Will I now be thought of differently? My sense of pride wants to take over and shut it all down.
But there is also a freshness that comes from peaking in and examining what drives me. The Lord has a purpose in this exercise. I'm hopeful to think that I am not alone in these wrestles, some of which are not as big as others. And this hope drives me.
Our heart has many facets. Places that are open and free to roam...a living room or kitchen. They are familiar, you walk in and out of them everyday with ease and comfort. Second nature. Then there are places that we venture into when we need to...our bedroom closet or a cabinet. We enter in with a purpose and a plan. A sense of needing something, grabbing it, using it and then leaving it behind us. Simply forgotten, but with security. It will be there when I need it again.
There are some closets we open only once or twice a year. The third bedroom closet is such a place in my house. It stores many items that I think have value, even though I use them very rarely. Its a time capsule of memories. Photos, clothes, old art. I venture into the closet only when I need to. It takes more effort and is cramped. A little disorganized.
Its amazing how an old photo can bring out tears or a sudden loss of breath. The memory is fresh. Sometimes it brings about a smile, joy or a tinge of pain in the heart. Sometimes the pain seems unbearable. It makes me question myself. Did I not heal from this time? This loss?
The pain is a piece of me. It doesn't mean that I haven't healed. It just means that the moment or situation was important to me. Its a part of who I am. It doesn't define me, but helps me to understand more of what encompasses me. The memories may be faded. But they are an ever part of me. Encircled in these memories are elements of life, love, loss and a sweet reminder of the Lord.
You see throughout my memories, even those that are painful, the Lord has been there. From my earliest memories as a five-year old in my great-grandmother's old country Nazarene church. The wooden pews. The sun streaming through the floor to ceiling windows. The cross above the pulpit; an ever present reminder of a Savior who came to save me.
My life is not without suffering or pain, as is any life. But it is full of the presence of Jesus - who comforts me and gives me only a peace that He can give. In the darkest recesses of my heart, there is a light. Its comforting. Its a reminder that He is there - even in places I only rarely visit.
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:27
